People Pleasing, No Thank you.

Being selfless and willing to do things for others is never a bad thing. Everyone could lend a helping hand more often, and the world would be a better place. 

However, there’s a fine line between helping out when you can, and never saying “no” when someone asks something of you. Whether your co-workers are always getting you to do their work, your friends are dragging you along to places you don’t want to go, or your family is volunteering you for things you’re not interested in, you could be getting walked all over on a daily basis. 

Sound familiar? 

If so, you’re probably a people pleaser – and, you’re probably exhausted. 

Thankfully, there are things you can do to learn to say “no” effectively and kindly. You don’t have to regularly feel burnt out just because you’re trying to appease everyone. 

With that in mind, let’s look at some ways to stop people-pleasing, so you can take control of your own life. 

Set the Right Boundaries

The best way to stop people-pleasing is to set boundaries. They should be set for yourself, and for the people in your life. 

Boundaries aren’t unkind or unfair. They’re necessary to maintain a healthy balance within your life and to keep others from taking advantage of you. 

Your boundaries can be different depending on who you’re dealing with. For example, you might set boundaries with co-workers by saying you can’t take on any more work for them, but you can offer your advice or support. 

When it comes to your friends, your boundaries might involve limiting your time with certain ones who are always begging you to go places you don’t want to or get involved in activities that don’t interest you. 

Make your boundaries clear and direct. Most people in your life will appreciate and respect them. 

Make Time for Yourself

We live in an era where self-care is becoming more prominent and popular than ever. But, it’s more than just a buzzword. It’s something everyone needs and deserves – including people-pleasers!

One of the best things you can do for yourself is to set aside time each day to find ways to relax. Even if you have to pencil it into your schedule, making time for self-care is crucial. Try things like exercising, meditating, or journaling to reduce your stress and feel more in-tune with your innermost self. 

When you make self-care a priority, you’ll also start to realize your value and worth. It can boost your self-esteem and confidence, and make it easier to say “no” to things you don’t want to do. 

You Can’t Please Everyone

Even if you’ve been a people-pleaser for as long as you can remember, chances are you’ve never been able to make everyone happy. 

People tend to have notoriously high expectations, and it’s often hard to meet them. If you’ve stretched yourself too thin, you’re not going to be able to give everyone your best. You could end up “letting them down” even if you’ve agreed to do something. 

Instead, focus on saying “yes” to things that you really want to do. Help the people who really need it. You’ll be able to dedicate more time to them without feeling overwhelmed. As for those who you have to turn down, don’t give it too much thought. You’re only one person, and you can’t please everyone. 

Learning to be assertive isn’t always easy. But, the more you take care of yourself through healthy boundaries and daily relaxation, the more you’ll realize how strong you are. It will become easier to stand up for yourself with time, so you can enjoy more of the things you love without feeling pulled in a hundred different directions.

If you need help easing your anxiety over wanting to people please, connect with us so we can help you assert your boundaries.

How Your Perfectionism Is Actually Hurting You

People tend to see perfectionism in different ways. On one hand, it can be viewed as a good thing. Maybe you just like things done correctly, and you push yourself to be your best. 

Unfortunately, many perfectionists take that idea too far. There’s a big difference between doing your best and feeling like no matter what you do, it’s never good enough. 

Real perfectionism can end up controlling everything you do. It can hinder your productivity, negatively impact your relationships, and even damage your self-esteem and confidence. 

Whether you consider yourself a perfectionist or not, it’s important to know how it could hurt you, and what you can do to be your best without crossing that potentially harmful line. 

It’s Causing You to Procrastinate

Most people think perfectionists get everything done on time and that every project, assignment, and contribution is done, well - perfectly!

Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. 

When you’re so caught up in something being perfect, you might procrastinate or put it off because you’re so worried about the quality. The reality is, no matter how badly you want to be perfect, no one is. Recognizing that whatever you turn in might not meet your unrealistic expectations will make you put it off until the last minute. 

Of course, procrastination often leads to rushing through things. So, you might not complete your project with the quality you want. 

That leads to a vicious cycle. The more you procrastinate, the more your productivity suffers. The more your productivity suffers, the harder you’ll end up being on yourself. 

It’s Impacting Your Health

Constantly focusing on perfection can cause a lot of excess stress in your life. 

That kind of stress often leads to anxiety and depression, contributing to physical symptoms like

• Sleep issues

• Changes in eating habits

• Digestive problems

• Headaches

• Muscle aches/pains

These symptoms can also be cyclical. For example, the more worried you are about being perfect, the harder it will be to get a good night’s rest. The less sleep you get, the more fuel your brain will create for conditions like anxiety and depression. 

It’s Damaging Your Self-Esteem

No matter how much you might want to be perfect, it’s not possible. Perfectionism can cause you to create unrealistic expectations for yourself – and others. 

Unfortunately, when you end up not meeting those expectations, it can take a toll on your self-esteem. You might end up believing negative self-talk and questioning your worth. While that can drive you to be even more of a perfectionist, it will end up doing more damage to your confidence along the way. 

It’s Affecting Your Relationships

It’s important to understand that your perfectionism impacts more than just you. 

When your idea of perfectionism extends beyond what you do, you might develop unrealistic expectations for others in your life. That can include co-workers, romantic partners, friends, and family members. When they don’t live up to those expectations, you might “blow up” on them or criticize them. 

Alternatively, you might become incredibly defensive against anyone who calls out your imperfections. Even if it’s a co-worker offering constructive criticism, it can be hard to hear and accept when you have unrealistic standards. 

As you can see, perfectionism isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Crossing that line of “doing your best” can be harmful to your mental and physical health, as well as your personal and professional lives. 

If you think your perfectionism or anxiety is causing problems in your life, there are things you can do to let it go! Feel free to contact me for more information, or to set up an appointment. Together, we’ll go over skills that can help you manage your expectations, and lead a perfectly imperfect life.

What Is Brainspotting And How Does It Help With Trauma?

After going through a traumatic event, it can be challenging to move on. It is hard to find the relief you need from the symptoms that seem to haunt you at every turn. From panic attacks, nightmares, to avoidance, the aftermath of trauma can be debilitating.

This is no fault of your own. Growing evidence suggests that our minds and bodies have a way of storing and holding on to trauma. Trauma can literally be embedded into your brain. The brain is a powerful and complicated piece of equipment.

Decades ago, it was thought that the brain stopped growing or developing after a certain age. Thankfully through advancements in science, we now know that this is far from the truth. Our brains never stop creating new pathways and connections. Which means that there is always hope for healing past wounds.

What Is Trauma?

You have probably heard of someone being traumatized. While many people jokingly talk about this, trauma is a very real and scary situation that people find themselves in. If someone has gone through a traumatic event, this may be because of:

• Domestic or Sexual Abuse

• Car Accidents

• Witnessing A Crime

• Child Abuse

• Emotional Abuse

Essentially, any event that left a lasting and negative impact on a person's psychological well-being can be considered a traumatic event. But, is there anything that can help someone through this?

What Is Brainspotting?

At first glance, the word brainspotting makes this therapy method seem more complex than it actually is. While it is a newer treatment approach for trauma, growing evidence and studies are showing just how effective it really is.

Most people have at least heard of EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. EMDR is typically the first choice to help clients heal from a traumatic incident or past. Brainspotting is an offshoot of that.

EMDR relies on rapid eye movements to promote healing. Brainspotting relies on eye movement, as well, but instead of rapidly moving the eyes, you are focused on one specific spot. Brainspotting connects to how the brain will store a traumatic memory.

These traumatic memories will manifest themselves through physiological reactions and responses. In order to trigger these responses in a healthy way is to focus the eye on one specific spot, which is where the term brainspotting even comes from.

How It Works

Most Brainspotting sessions will begin by making sure you feel calm. From there, the therapist observes physical reactions as the eyes move such as:

• Facial twitching

• Small lip movements

• Changes in posture

• Excessive blinking

This how your therapist helps you find your brain spot. Where your eyes focus on when you are physically uncomfortable is the gateway to the deeper brain. Accessing this part of your brain is what helps you begin processing the trauma.

Healing From Trauma Using Your Own Brain

Both the brain and body hold on to traumatic memories. Alternatively, and thankfully, they can also help you heal.

As different brain spots are identified by the therapist, they will work with you to begin processing the traumatic memory that is associated with that spot in the brain.

Identifying these spots can help release the stored trauma that the body and mind has held on to.

Finding The Right Therapist

Working with a therapist who is trained in brainspotting will greatly increase the chance of you healing from past wounds.

While it is a new approach, I am confident that together, we can help you heal from the past for a better tomorrow. Connect with us today to begin this journey.

4 Tips To Manage Your Anger Everyday

Anger is a natural emotion. It's what we feel when we get so mad that we feel like throwing something. Or shouting at the the top of our lungs. Anger can be feelings from slight irritation to a fury that shakes you to your core.

It is a natural response - yet for many people it can be an all-consuming one. When you become angry, your nervous system has a heightened response, too, causing your energy and adrenaline levels to skyrocket. It can also affect blood pressure, heart rate, and body temperature.

For some, trying to deal with anger is not a once-in-awhile situation.

Maybe you notice that you lash out easily over every little thing that upsets you. And because of this, your personal and work relationships are detrimentally being affected. While you may be under the impression that there is no way to control anger, thankfully, there are ways.

Here are four ways you can begin to manage your anger every day to have healthier responses to the situations you find yourself in.

1. Transform The Way You Think

If you don't have control over your anger, you may find that you curse or speak in an overly dramatic voice, or that your thoughts turn negative really quickly.

To begin controlling your anger, start with your thoughts. If you find yourself boiling inside because you are waiting in a long line, try to change your thoughts. If your first thoughts are, "I can't believe that this line is taking so long, this is completely ruining my day," stop yourself after this thought. Instead, think, "What will being angry help this situation? I have no control over the lines and how much of my day will really be affected by this?"

In therapy, this is part of a process in Cognitive Behavior Therapy(CBT.) CBT is based on the foundation that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are connected. So when you are changing your thought, you are transforming how you feel and react.

2. Work On Your Communication

When you are quick to anger, you may find that you are impulsive and say whatever it is you are thinking about with no filter.

Too often, this just escalates a situation and makes it worse. If you find yourself in a conversation that is becoming heated, stop before you speak. Listen to what the other person is saying without reacting. That may be easier said than done and will take practice.

It is also important to try and understand what they are trying to convey to you, not the words they are using. Why? Because we are all human and they may be trying to convey to you their own hurt or anger over something.

Learning to listen and truly hear someone can help you learn to transform your response and not get so angry.

3.  Remind Yourself That The World Is Not Out To Get You

We all do this. It has been a rough day and nothing seems to be going right. We had a rough day filled with meetings, rushed deadlines, and communication within our community. When everything seems to be going wrong, it is challenging to not think that somehow, the world is conspiring against us.

And in return, we feel extremely angry over this.

Things will always end up going wrong in life and that is the hard truth of it. Give yourself the gentle reminder that becoming angry will not fix or solve anything. Lashing out or yelling at a family member when you get home because you are frustrated won't make any one feel better.

You can control your anger by reminding yourself that you will not be able to control everything. That is okay.

4. Go For A Short Walk

If you find that your body temperature is rising and you're about to explode, walk away.

Go for a short walk to remove yourself from that situation. Even do this if you are at home from the night but still feel like your mind is about to explode.

Exercising has a powerful way of clearing and calming your mind.

--

While anger is a natural response, you can re-train yourself to react differently. It won't always be perfect but it will help. If you need help with anger management, our therapists like Katerina can help you. Contact us to begin learning techniques to manage your anxiety more healthily.

Quit Taking it Personally- QTIP

I was working with a group of 7th grade boys the other day and, let me tell you, keeping a bunch of 13 year old boys engaged and interacting with one another is no easy task.  There is blurting out, there is talking over me, and there is testing of my boundaries. It can be tough. I definitely felt difficult emotions arise but I reminded myself to QTIP. You might be thinking, "What do Q-TIPs have to do with anything?" It means...

Quit Taking it Personally.

In the past, I’ve looked at behaviors like that as disrespectful, wrong, defiant, and RUDE!!!! I took it personally with thoughts like, “How dare these boys speak to me like this?! They don’t respect me or my authority!” However, when I take ‘me’, my ego, out of the equation, I see those same boys as inquisitive, energetic, curious, and interested. 

• They’re inquisitive which is why they are blurting out questions. 

• They are curious to see where my boundaries start and stop. 

• They're very interested and energetic which lead to side conversations.

When I realize that it’s not about ME, I can see what their actions truly mean. Their real intentions.

When we take things personally we are putting our spin on someone else’s action that may or may not be there. Quite honestly, that’s giving the other person A LOT of power and credit over your own feelings. This can create defensiveness, and guess what can’t occur when you are being defensive? Listening and Curiosity. With that 7th grade group, sure there were some undesirable behaviors, but they weren’t targeted towards me. When you free yourself of taking it personally, you can see how people are talking about themselves, their wants, and their needs. So, how do we not take things personally? That seems really hard...

How do I NOT take things personally?

1. It’s not about me: This other person… this child… even this pet… they are just trying to manage their life and their stressors. Whatever their actions are says more about them than their words will ever say about you. Once we get past our ego thinking it’s about ‘me, me, me’, it’s VERY freeing to realize people are worrying about themselves, they’re not worrying about you.

2. Shift from ME to WE: This is moving from the thought process of ‘Why are they doing this TO me?’ and thinking instead ‘Why are they doing this?’ With that subtle shift you’re now working from a space of understanding instead of irritation. When we focus on the other person’s good intention, we’re less likely to take it personally.

3. Maybe it is me: If you can’t shake whatever interaction just happened, take a look within. It could be something that you do believe a little bit about yourself. If someone’s actions strike a hard nerve with you, it could be some unresolved issues within yourself. This is a wonderful thing to journal or talk about with your therapist. Reactions and responses can be unlearned when aware and acknowledged.

4. Wear a reminder: Give meaning to the things you already wear everyday. A watch, a piece of jewelry, the hair tie on your wrist: when something occurs and you feel that ego getting bruised, remember to QTIP.

QTIP allows you to see past a behavior or action and really see what that person has to to share with you.

Homework:

Find something you wear everyday or create a signal with yourself or even grab a Q-TIP and keep it on your person; whatever you decide, have a reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY. If you find yourself feeling difficult emotions after an interaction with someone, calmly tell yourself... "It's not about me."

The A WORD

When the word “anger” comes to mind, plenty of us immediately label the emotion word with a negative connotation. Why is this? 

Is it because of the media and how they portray what anger can look like? 

Is it scary to us due to our own trauma? 

Is it a feeling that some of us constantly experience but have been taught to repress? 

Maybe all of the above? There are many reasons that can lead us to believe that anger is innately “bad” and that we should experience guilt and/or shame when feeling it. Nobody wants to live in constant anger due to how mentally and physically draining it can be, even for those of us who prefer anger over sadness.

When we are experiencing anger, we are in a state of fight or flight. This can be confusing to us. This is the reason why we tend to think in an absolute manner when experiencing an episode of anger. When in fight or flight, our only goal is to survive. These episodes lead us to lose IQ points, which is the reason why so many of us seem to forget about the consequences to our actions when upset. This means we say that rude comment to our partner that we wouldn’t have otherwise mentioned, or flip off the person who just brake-checked us, and engage in other acts that we could possibly end up regretting at a later time.   Anger gets a bad reputation due to a vast amount of reasons and not a lot of us discuss anger in terms of payoffs and costs. 

How does anger serve us in the moment? How does anger get in our own way? What we do know is that when we feel anger, it is for a reason. Sometimes, figuring out what that reason is requires further exploration on our part. 

There is such a thing as anger payoffs or innate (sometimes unconscious) reasons that we display anger in place of any other emotion.  

Anger has the power to reduce stress temporarily. 1. We feel a sense of relief after an anger outburst. The expression of anger can be quite reinforcing; you are temporarily getting a sense of relief or a break from the discomfort you were feeling prior to that expression of anger. 2. Anger also hides emotional pain and can become a shadow for another primary emotion. It can put a lid on painful emotion and can sometimes even continue to repress most of those feelings out of our own awareness. 3. Anger grabs other’s attention. For some experiencing anger, it may feel that nobody listens unless we are yelling or are in the midst of an outburst. 4. It can be a powerful tool that is used for revenge or punishment when we have been hurt. This feeling of righteousness can be very attractive. It can sometimes become our only goal leading us to forget about the consequences that revenge or an act made from anger can have when it comes to our relationships.

Anger’s influence gets in the way of our lives and can have some serious detriments. Anger can affect our relationships with the important and even not-so-important people in our lives. It has the influence to affect relationships with family members, our kids, our partners, work relationships, our friendships, and even complete strangers. When acting in anger consistently, our mental and physical health will be affected. Whether this is through hypertension, cardiovascular disease, acting in a violent way, or putting ourselves in danger due to anger (such as incidents of road rage). Anger has the capacity to be dangerous and to have life-long consequences if not being expressed in a balanced manner. It is critical to find healthy alternatives to express our anger. 

Good news!!! There are plenty of outlets to do so!   Therapy can be a great outlet to get to know our anger, physical activity can trick our mind and body to use that aggressive energy in more socially expected ways, and engaging in relaxation and distraction techniques have proven to build healthier habits that improve your overall well-being (not just in a moment of anger). 

It is crucial to remember that anger is a natural emotion to experience. Some people deal with it more often than others, some have paid more attention to it, and some of us are still currently struggling with what to do when it shows up. 

Wherever you are with your anger, you deserve to get to know it. If you are searching for extra support with a team who views anger as normal and has the experience to provide you with new mental tools, feel free to reach out to us.   We are here for it!

-Love, Kat

Stop......Worry Time!

Want to decrease the amount of time you’ve been worrying? Schedule “worry time” by “parking it on post it”. The unfortunate truth is that we will probably never be able to completely stop worrying. However, we can learn to worry more effectively. This is where scheduled worry time comes in.

It may sound counterintuitive, but employing this CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tool can help you develop control over the frequency and timing of your worry.

How do you do this?

1. Worry Awareness – recognizing when we experience worry thoughts through becoming aware of what’s happening in the present moment, in this case, it’s noticing the worrying thoughts. This process takes practice, so don’t give up too quickly or easily. Awareness is the first step, then we try to except that we are in fact worrying. Do not judge yourself! Judging is for the birds. 🦜

2. Set up worry time. It literally is a time of day in which you have dedicated to worry. I suggest not super close to bedtime, but a time that enough of the day has devolved. By compartmentalizing worry – setting aside a specific half hour. Each day to think about worries and consider solutions then people can ultimately help reduce those worries.

3. Between the scheduled worry times is when “Park it on a Post-it” is implemented. This will feel hard at first and you may have to reinforce some self talk (like telling yourself to just let go of this thinking until you’re worried time. Or that you’ll definitely get to it later). This whole step ensures that a part of you that’s worrying gets attention and is seen, yet also it isn’t consuming what you really want to be doing which is *not* worrying. Our goal is to become more comfortable with the discomfort of the unknown by not feeding worry and also by fortifying a connection to your here and now experience (remember, worry is about the future).

4. Break it down, Stop, Worry time! (Sung in MC Hammer tune.) Go over your post it notes or “worry list“ during this time. If the thoughts that you wrote down are still bothering you, allow yourself to worry about them, but only for the amount of time that you’ve specified for your worry.

Thank you @gettyimages and of course @mchammer

Stages of Change

Have you ever really wanted to change something in your life, but it didn’t work out the way you planned?  Maybe eat healthily or exercise more often or getting out of a bad habit. You made some attempts to change, but in the end you weren’t successful and you felt like shit.  Yeah, we got you.

When we study behavior what we are studying is how we get to our goals. Through getting to our goals we talk about the stages of change (or a fancier term with more syllables is the trans theoretical model). 

One of the best-known approaches to change is the Stages of Change or Transtheoretical Model, introduced in the late 1970s by researchers James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente. In this model, change occurs gradually and relapses are an inevitable part of the process. People are often unwilling or resistant to change during the early stages, but they eventually develop a proactive and committed approach to changing a behavior. This model demonstrates that change is rarely easy. It often requires a gradual progression of small steps toward a goal.

Whether it’s losing weight, waking up early, eating healthy, or changing careers knowing what happens through your mind can give you the self compassion to move forward.

Let’s break it down in…..stages

The first stage is called the PRECONTEMPLATION  stage. This is the stage where you’re really not thinking about changing and it hasn’t become something either worthy of changing or that you even considered. It hasn’t been brought to your attention.   

Next stage is the (you guessed it) CONTEMPLATION stage. You’ve read an article, read a book, had a talk with the friend, had a talk with your partner, had a talk with your physician. You begin to put consider the pros and cons of making a lifestyle change.   You’re actively thinking about it, thinking about the reasons for change, and the reasons to sustain the status quo.

The next stage is PLANNING stage, and this is when you have looked at your decisional balance and thought that there are more good things about changing than not so good things about changing. So you begin to think about and plan for what steps you need to attain this goal.  This is when you research what you may need to attain these goals as well, maybe it’s a consultant, maybe it’s joining a gym, maybe it’s figuring out what aids there are for quitting smoking, maybe it’s figuring out what journal and pen you would like to purchase to start journaling.  At this stage you are emotionally and physically getting ready to make changes.   At this stage we build self efficacy and pull out our strengths that are inherent within us and visualize ourselves accomplishing goals that we have realistically contemplated the pros and cons for.  

Now stage four is the ACTION stage. Here you are determined and prepared for the change.   Here you even begin to change. Even though there may be hurdles and barriers that get in your way, you can pluck out the feelings that you’ve experience thus far and start again. Understanding these barriers and hurdles before you begin the action stage is super helpful as well so that you can play these out ahead of time so when you encounter it, as we so often do, we feel more prepared.

When you have consistently maintained this lifestyle change whether it’s exercise, journaling, smoking cessation, less drinking, perfectionism, or any sort of health behavior change, you are in the ever fifth stage called MAINTENANCE.  The emotional and physical support you receive during the maintenance stage will help lessen or prevent relapse and will keep you on the healthy trajectory.

We all have behaviors that we want or need to change. Using behavioral science to understand the change process will help you be more successful with whatever it is that you wanting to change.

Micro Habits, Big Results

What in tarnation is a micro habit?

You’ve been doing them your entire life.  

A small little thing you do consistently that creates big results. Bite bite bite instead of GULP!  

60 seconds or less.  Strung together. 

Taking a big goal and breaking it down.  Adding a little bit at a time.  

Since words matter to me, “goal setting” doesn’t feel right, but “outcome planning” feels better. 

Examples- 

• I want to meditate in the morning but I find myself scrolling through my phone- micro habit...When I put my phone outside of my room or at least outside of arms reach, I wake up in the morning and I can do my gratitude mantra, pray, or do my mindfulness meditation. The micro movement/habit of putting my phone in a different area has helped me with the outcome of my plan to meditate.

• Read more- micro habit...stating that you’re going to read one page at night. It would be really hard to justify or excuse away you not being able to read one page a night.  

• Drink more water- If you spend half of your day without having a drop of water (true story) but have had your cup(s) of coffee, micro habit....putting the glass of water in front of your coffee pot so that you are reminded that you want to drink water as your coffee brews.  

Honestly, the magic for me lies in the small feeling of success and accomplishment when you do them. Another example for me is making my bed in the morning. Not a huge task, it doesn’t take me very long at all. But it’s the feeling that seems to last and linger.  Barbie, you said you were going to do this, and you did.  Nice job, champ.  Next!

Now, don’t go wild, I would choose only five things to work on. You want to set yourself up for success. If you made a long list of micro habits, even if they’re small, it would become overwhelming and stress you out which is not what we want.

What do you want that micro habits can get you working on bit by bit?

Airplane Mode

The time we’re living in right now has recently been called The Great Pause. This is exactly the way that I’m experiencing it. The idea that we are all in a stand still feels very appropriate. We are taking control for the things that we can, and completely loosening the reins on everything else that we cannot.

Before all of this, it felt like we were on the busy, over scheduled and disconnected treadmill going at a very fast pace. It now feels like someone grabbed the emergency stop button and pulled it for us. Some of us have fallen on our face, some of us have chosen to stand on the treadmill and wait for it to turn on again while staring at the screens, some of us have chosen a different machine, and some of us have walked right out of the gym.  

Our factory settings have been restored. All of the fandangled, and complicated doesn't seem to be there. We have gone back to basics. We all know and feel that it is an unprecedented time of pullback, hunkering down and staying physically distant for our safety and for those around us.

Yet another phone metaphor- We are on airplane mode right now.  As you know when you have airplane mode enabled, it blocks your connection to cellular networks. You’re not able to do the regular things like phone calls, text messages, FaceTime, anything that requires an Internet connection.  

When we get out of this Pause that we are collectively in, and we flood our lives with what we “used to do”,  I want you to remember what it felt like to be on airplane mode. 

I want you to learn to choose to actively put yourself on airplane mode. Why? Because 1. It saves the battery life of your phone, it helps you keep your soul from dipping into reserves. 2. You aren’t as drained and you’ll recharge faster!  You won’t be playing catch-up with your energy, sleep, connection, family time, and self-care.  3. You can actively disconnect. You can bow out and actively choose to put yourself on airplane mode because you remember what it felt like to not be as distracted with all of the notifications.

I want you to think deeply about what you want to fold back into your life.  It’s reminiscent of one of those elimination diets where you take out wheat, dairy, eggs, soy, etc. and at the end of a certain amount of time you gently and gingerly re-introduce different things back into your diet to see which ones you react to and assess for tolerance.   It’s a way to see clearly what truly affects you.  What do you want to “re-introduce” and what you want to eliminate for good.  

It will be our new normal and like Phoenixes, we will emerge from the Great Pause with a much keener view of how we want to truly BE in the short stint that is our life. For me, I will continue to be patient and present. I will accept what is out of my control and live with the peace that such radical acceptance brings. You?

The 4th R

With our schools closed and not knowing exactly when they will be opening, us parents of school aged children that are on the precipice of adding World’s Okayest Homeschool Teacher to our resume this week or at some point soon.  Parents, this, while juggling your own job as you work from home, being with your partner at home as they work from home, possibly caring for your parents, and/or caring for newborns or toddlers. Things feel doubled or tripled if you are in the medical field or have been impacted directly by COVID-19.   Whew.  Take a Breath. Cut yourself some major slack.  A lot of grace, patience and kindness, is what I want you to offer yourself and your nervous system.  This is a time for holding everything in the world gingerly and gently, including yourself.   

About 1.7 million American students are homeschooled, and due to the COVID-19 outbreak, that number is about to get a lot higher, at least temporarily. It’s all going to be ok and it will all get worked out. Parents, start by making a schedule.

As we navigate and structure our school day, I realize that we have on our schedule loads of activities for academic work.  Even INcredible links to tour the world famous museums, science experiments, Mo Willems draw along, virtual farm tours,  our Houston Zoo, weather classroom from new stations, the virtual tour of the great wall of China, and the list goes on and on.  We have even put on our schedules Physical Education with activities such as kids yoga, free dance lessons, streaming dojos, and daily workouts by a PE teacher.  I am certain that your schedule will include Reading, wRiting and ‘Rithmetic.   I’d like for you add a 4th R to your daily schedule……Regulating Emotions. 

No doubt global anxiety is skyrocketing right now. If you're feeling stressed about Covid-19, know that it's possible your kids are too.

Do you ever wonder what some therapists have on their new daily homeschool schedule?  Well, what we try to have?  Yes, you with your hand up in the back…..the emotional piece.  I know, you’re like “whaaaaaa?  Another “thing” to do with my kids?  I thought you said that I should cut myself some slack?”  You totally should.  I also want to let you know that being able to diffuse emotions will keep your child from detonating, whether by ex/imploding.  Therefore, helping you.

One activity that my children are participating in (and my husband and myself too) is daily journaling. Our kids are watching us and learning about how to respond to stress and uncertainty, so engaging in journaling with them would be extra credit points for sure.

No one is to read their emotive journal without permission. In this way, journaling provides the opportunity for them to:

• Explore and identify emotions

• Feel anger

• Express fear

• Examine the pros and cons of something in order to be more decisive

• Look more carefully at her thoughts about something after the immediate situation has passed

• Gain some insight into her own and other people's motives

• See the positives as well as the negatives

• Plan out difficult conversations ahead of time

• Write out (or draw if the child cannot or has a difficult time writing)

A feelings journal is a great way to help a younger child build an emotional vocabulary. It can be done in a few ways. Your child can identify his/her current emotions, draw a picture and label it, choose a feeling from a feeling poster or wheel to write and draw about or learn a new emotion to draw and write about. I’ve included an emotions wheel that I, like Goldilocks, love to find baby bear’s juuuust the right word for what I am feeling.

Another activity the Atkinson household is adopting is to remember that the power of laughter can be healing. Locate a funny video to watch or share memories you and your family have experienced together. I’m having the girls share a funny video or story or joke with us everyday as part of “school”.  

I have asked trusted local friends and colleagues (I’m about to name drop)  what activity they would encourage for emotions class.

“Writing letters or note cards to loved ones letting them know how much they mean to you and how much you care about them.” Cheryl Butler, MA, LPC, Owner of True North Counseling Services in The Woodlands

“Play. For children under the age of 9, play is thought to be their natural language. Our children need space to process their emotions through play. Get down on the floor with them; don’t direct the play- allow them to control their play. Try to reflect what they are doing and feeling in order to help them feel understood and connected. Sometimes their play might be sad; don’t try to cheer this up. Instead just reflect what they are feeling. This is the best way for a child to express their emotions and make sense of their world.   It’s okay to have more than one emotion at a time; you can be scared, anxious, and grateful for these moments.” Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S- Owner of Heights Family Counseling

“Maybe most importantly get curious with them about how they are feeling right now. Validate whatever feelings they express without trying to fix it or minimize it. As so beautifully expressed in one of my favorite children’s books: TheRabbit Listened. https://www.amazon.com/Rabbit-Listened-Cori-Doerrfeld/dp/073522935X Just listen and old space for their feelings. PS- this is somuch easier said than done but our kids need to feel heard, especially during these hard times.” Brittani L. Persha, LCSW-S, RPT-S, EMDR-Trained (Licensed Clinical Social Worker-Supervisor, Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor, EMDR-Trained)

“I think the best support is helping our kids to feel safe, is that we as parents have it under control and are protecting them. Reminding our kids that sometimes there are things we just don’t understand, but this is a shared experience and we will get through it together as a family.” Jessica Eiseman MS, LPC-S, NCC, CCTP, owner and clinical director for Ajana Therapy & Clinical Services

I don’t know about y’all, but I am wanting an apple on my desk (or apple streudel and a coffee really) and I can’t wait for summer vacation. Wait………

Social Maximizing

The prospect of spending an indefinite period of time away from other humans can be quite daunting — especially if you live alone, are unable to visit loved ones, or are already experiencing loneliness.  Or maybe you are a new parent, or a not-so-new parent, or a person who loves the chit chat at the office, or an extrovert.  Really any of us. Remember that infamous longitudinal (repeated observation of the same variables over a long period of time) Harvard Study on happiness?  It found a strong association between happiness and close relationships like spouses, family, friends, and social circles.

The term social distancing Is something I want us to move away from.  I think that we should be “physically“ distant and socially maximizing. Connection is what we seek at all ages. This may sound like common sense, but it's important to be proactive about it. Maybe you are already doing this? If voice notes or texts aren't cutting it, and you need a bit more of a back and forth, then call up someone you love and have a long chat.  Ideas for this could be a simple as an online play date with two friends where they can just talk and show each other their favorite stuffed animal, tw/eens, can use a format where they can interactively play a board game with each other or sit and listen to music together, and adults can meet up for happy hour with their closest friends and/or family, host a trivia night, or a themed party, or have a jam session with friends who play instruments, etc.  I haven't done this yet, but someone mentioned a Netflix play where a group of folks can watch a movie together and interact throughout.

Not a fan of the group thing on a good day will phone calls and video chatting are also well suited to promoting connection.  Now that our social calendars are sparse, make plans with friends, colleagues, family members!   One cubicle away, one mile away, or 1,000 miles away doesn't come into play when you visit online.

So go forth (or rather, stay in) and socialize, but also consider using your newfound time at home to do things you enjoy, but can’t usually squeeze into your day.

In the comments, please tell us what you are doing to stay connected!